Dear Santa

Happy holidays!  As I type this, I'm sitting at my desk in my house in the Cooper-Young neighborhood of Memphis, Tennessee.  Some Mormons are Tabernacling on my iTunes, Christmas lights line my walls, and I'm drinking coffee AND wassail out of multiple oversized Christmas mugs.  I may or may not have a candle lit that smells like "Northwoods," whatever and wherever those are.  If you think I haven't watched Love Actually between 1 and 900 times since Thanksgiving, hi, I'm Chris Milam, and we haven't met yet.  I'm naming my first two kids "Tinsel" and "Jinglehorse."  And what I'm trying to say is this:

I love Christmas.  I love the holiday season.  I love the year's end.  I hear the opening seconds of Otis Redding's "White Christmas" and turn into a 6'1 bowl of figgy pudding.  My heart triples in size.  I send Christmas cards to anyone I've ever liked.  I practically run through the streets kissing babies, singing "Good King Wenceslas," wearing unnecessary top-hats, and throwing peppermint bark at strangers. 

The holidays are about celebrating the past, faith in the present, and hope for the future.  Which is why I still write Santa every year.  I'll be honest: I don't know if he reads it.  But it helps to write.  So here's this year's letter to Santa, full and unedited.

(Be sure to hit up the comments and tell me what's on your Christmas list!)

December 1, 2010 - From the Office of Chris Milam

Dear Santa,

How are you?  It's your pal Chris.  How are the missus and the elves?  Did Blitzen get the turtleneck I sent?  I saw you last week at Target--have you been working out? 

Everything here is gravy.  I know you got last year's list, because I'm actually home for the holidays this year.  Memphis has been cold by my standards, but balmy by yours.  It keeps "almost" snowing, which is to say I keep "almost" assaulting my neighbors with "almost snowballs."  Wait, scratch that!  I'm actually making them fudge and teaching their kids to read.

Below you'll find my Christmas list.  It's thorough, and it's fair, and it's modest--just like me.  2010 has been pretty great, so I owe you many thanks for that.  You, and Manhattan, and the New Pornographers, and the writers for Mad Men, and Ruby, and whoever invented football.  Thanks Santa.  You always deliver.

Oh, and on Christmas Eve, don't forget the cookies by the toaster oven.  Next to the pictures of you and the Bunny on Easter in your birthday suits.  Love to the Miss Claus, and I'll see you soon!

Chris(tmas) Milam's Christmas List 2K10:

I want a trampoline.

I want a Taylor 12-string acoustic guitar.  You know the one--St. Patrick played it at the hoedown last March.

I want a showcase at South By Southwest.  I want four showcases at South By Southwest.  I want to headline South By Southwest, and I want free nachos all weekend.

I want a box of Fruit Roll-Ups, and my favorite flavor is "blue."

I want a new My Morning Jacket album in 2011, and I need it to be amazing.  I'm not alone in this.  Looks like you've got a good jump on it, but let's bring it home. 

I want more than two days with my family at Christmas.  I know my calendar says this is impossible.  Just see what you can do. 

I want a trampoline.

I want a dog.  I'd like it to be a German shepherd, and I'd like its name to be "Klaus," but if you find one with another name, that's okay, I'll change it.  I'll do the paperwork.  The dog thing is crucial for me, though--it's really important, and I should've led with it.
More acceptable breeds include:
--Huskies (they're awesome)
--Golden retrievers (they're wholesome)
--Basset hounds (they're hilarious)
--Wolf-mut-mix-things (they're scary)
--Beagles (but only if there are four of them and I can name them John, Paul, George, and Ringo).
--Basenjis (they're basically foxes)
Unacceptable breeds include:
--Labs (dumb as a bag of hair)
--Anything that might be mistaken for a Furbee, cat, or mop

I want Jeremy Lister and company to get the success they deserve.  I don't know if you watch NBC, Santa, but Lister's group finished second on Sing Off (American Idol for a' capella groups).  During my years in Nashville, everyone knew Lister as one of the most talented artists and nicest people in town.  I'm sure the show will open many doors for those guys, but I'll ask anyway: hook them up.  Bigtime.  Give them a much-deserved win.  (They crush a Beatles medley here and "Down on the Corner" here--enjoy.)

I want a Minka Kelly.  

I want to go to San Francisco.  I want to go all the time, but I can wait until spring.

I want the collected works of the Velvet Underground.  You know how some artists just inexplicably fall through the cracks?  Despite the fact that 1) friends I trust love them and 2) everything I've ever heard by them I've liked and 3) they've enormously influenced many of my favorite artists, I've never owned a single Velvet Underground album.  I'd like you to induct me into their club, so I can be 12% cooler.

I want to see all of my friends around the holidays, but I know that's impossible.  I always want more time, Santa.  Think you can swing that?

I want a good night's sleep in 2011.  Just one.  If I'm greedy (and I am), I want to not be an insomniac, but I know that's asking a lot.  Maybe just one good night's sleep--the kind normal people have after dosing themselves with Nyquil.  Whatever you can do.

I want Auburn to beat Oregon.  And then I want them to lose every game after that, always, forever.

I want the Magic Kids album Memphis.  I want to live in the perpetual summerworld it creates.  I want to know who produced it, and I want to shake his hand.

I want to play a million shows in 2011.  If that's not mathematically possible, I want to play a LOT of shows in 2011.  I want to play a show in every united state.  I want to open for Belle & Sebastian, or Kings of Leon, or Cee Lo.  But at the very least, I want to tour EVERYWHERE next year.  Gas up the reindeer.  Let's do this.

I want a gift card to DBo's.

I want the Beatles documentary Let It Be.  I've still never seen it, and that's not okay.  (Side note, Santa: I want to know why I'm suddenly obsessed with the Beatles all over again.  Is it the Lennon death anniversary?  Is it the Beatles ads for iTunes?  What gives?)

I want to get all my Christmas shopping done in a 24-hour span without any hassle or stress.

I want to own the state of Virginia.

I want everyone reading this right now to "like" me on Facebook if they haven't already.  Then, I want them to think about 10 friends who would like my music too, and suggest "liking" my page to those friends.  As a music fan, there's nothing more convincing than a friend saying, "you gotta hear this!"  As an artist, there's nothing more flattering. 

I want to be able to dunk.  I've asked for this since I was eight, and you continue to disappoint. 

I want a new copy of Love Actually.  I can't seem to find mine, and I think I've been the victim of a cruel, cruel joke.  I also want you to track down whoever has it and punish them without mercy or, in the event I have it, kindly point to its whereabouts. 

I want to learn one new instrument next year.

I want my mom's chocolate chip cookies.

I want my great aunt's chili.

I want my friend's tomato pie.

I want another friend's bundt cake. 

I want an ungodly sum of money so that I might one day have a place in New York City.  While we're at it, I also want houses in Los Angeles and London.  And Barcelona.  And Santorini.  But I'd settle for a timeshare in Daytona Beach.

I want some kind of caffeine IV contraption so I can skip the process of buying, brewing, or drinking coffee beverages.  This would save us all a lot of trouble, and help me to work more efficiently.

I want all the books ever written by Malcolm Gladwell.  Also, I want to buy him a beer sometime and talk about basketball.  Does Malcolm Gladwell drink beer, Santa?  Does he drink sherry?  I bet he drinks sherry.  Whatever, we can still talk about basketball.

I want an effing trampoline.

I want Virginia Tech to get an offensive coordinator.

I want Alabama to keep all of its coordinators.

I want the Memphis Grizzlies to get an owner that cares.

I want the Memphis Tigers to get experienced, and soon.

I want Nick Saban to know that I still love him.

I want the Redskins to know that I've quit them, and I'm with the Eagles now, and we're very happy together, so please stop calling.

I want nothing to do, hours to kill, one good friend, and another cup of coffee Fido one afternoon this winter.  I still miss that about Nashville.  I want the same at the Mudspot in the East Village.  I still miss that about New York.  Winter would be unbearable without a warm place and good conversation with friends. 

I want Ruby (my car) to not catch a flat for six months.  Just once.

I want to be more patient.  Just a little.

I want time enough to drive around Germantown and look at the lights.  I want to drive by all the best-decorated houses from my old neighborhood.  I want them to be just as I remember.  Few things ever are, but I can hope. 

I want a coat that works.

I want a hat that works.

I don't want long underwear, but I probably need some.

I want to put out another album in 2011.  Or an EP.  Or a single.  Or anything, really.  I've got too many songs, Santa!  I need to release them.  I want to make a double-album, and I want Rick Rubin to produce it, and I want to do all of this yesterday.  Then I want the head of Columbia Records to hear said album, sign me to a 7-record deal, and throw every resource imaginable behind my career.  Here's the deal, Santa: you know me.  You keep tabs.  You know that I love what I do, and that I work hard.  All I want is to make as much music for as many people as possible for as long as possible.  Anything you can do to help that happen, I'd really appreciate.

If there's any room left in the sleigh, I want peace on earth and good will toward men.  Also, I want everyone to be safe during the holidays.  I know "everyone" is a lot, but it's important. 

And, in lieu of all that, a trampoline.

Til next year,
Chris

P.S. If you want free music for Christmas, click here.  I'm giving away the new album for FREE this week, so enjoy.  And burn a copy for Blitzen.

The Mailbag Returns!

It's that time again.  Time for turkey-induced comas, outlet mall mayhem, the most wonderful music of the year, and eggnog-fueled family confessionals.  It's also time (over time, in fact), for another Mailbag!

Thanks again to everyone who wrote in--your mail was awesome, as always.  And if you'd like to be in a future Mailbag, just drop me a line!  I promise all emails are read and much appreciated.

Here we go!

Chris--sometimes I get hangovers.  I also have to get on the subway, so I like to have music to listen to instead of the grinding of trains.  What would you suggest for a good hangover playlist?
--Becky, Park Slope, Brooklyn NY

I spent more time thinking about this question than I did deciding my major in college.  I'm thrilled to answer this.

First thing's first: I have obviously never had a drink of alcohol in my life--save a glass of champagne at my own christening--and certainly wouldn't have consumed enough to merit a hangover.  Further, I don't advocate the consumption of alcohol in any volume that would induce physical/emotional illness afterward.  My motto has always been, "stick to apple juice."

Now, if I DID experience a hangover, I can't imagine I'd want anything excessively loud.  I wouldn't want to kick out the jams with jarring percussion and amps cranked to eleven.  Similarly, it's not the time for hip hop; I couldn't dance if I wanted to.  I'm guessing (again, totally guessing here) that I'm dealing with equal doses shame, self-pity, and regret.  So songs with blatantly carefree messages ("Don't Worry, Be Happy") won't help--and likely will compound--my problem.  I don't want something synthetic, techno, or experimental--my hangover is here, it's now, it's all too real, and it's visceral.  Finally, I probably want to put the entire sideshow behind me as soon as possible.  This excludes all music that would remind me of why I drank in the first place.  The range here is anything from party tracks to breakup music.  No "sad bastard" songs.  I'm low, and don't want to feel lower.

I want music that eases the mind, but isn't overtly happy.  I want something steady, not rocking.  I want something with a pulse, but a slow one.  I want it to have company (more than just an acoustic guitar, for example), but it can't be loud.  This sounds counter-intuitive, but I don't want anything too good, too impacting.  I don't want a lyric I have to engage.  I don't want to think.  I want the musical equivalent of a warm bath.  Essentially (and again, this is all hypothetical) I want what Rob Gordon wants one Monday morning in High Fidelity: something I can ignore.

Here, now, is The Morning After: Sixteen Songs For Today's Hangover:

Tom Waits, "Ol' 55" - Tom Waits is the linchpin of any hangover mix.

My Morning Jacket, "Golden" - I can't imagine anything being easier to listen to.

Lyle Lovett, "If I Had a Boat" - Even Lyle's darkest songs make me think everything's going to be okay.

Vetiver "Rolling Sea" - Really, anything by Vetiver fits the bill.

Belle & Sebastian, "The State I Am In" - What was Rob Gordon listening to that Monday morning?  "The new Belle & Sebastian."

Stereophonics, "Caravan Holiday" - More British mid-tempo, easy melodies.

Green Day, "Macy's Day Parade" - Vague malaise, exhaustion, but not in your face about it.

Elliot Smith, "Because" - The Beatles version would carry too much with it.  Gorgeous, nondescript--sounds like a really nice nap.

Delta Spirit, "Tomorrow Goes Away" - Bad news: it's pretty explicit about its angst.  Good news: it's really short.

Billy Bragg & Wilco, "California Stars" - A lot of the Mermaid Avenue stuff fits the bill, but this one's the least love-centric. 

Radiohead, "No Surprises" - Radiohead's dangerous territory if you don't want your hangover to get too heady.  This one's the lightest--and prettiest--of the options.

Pearl Jam, "Around the Bend" - A weird lullaby; as negligible as you want it to be.

Ryan Adams, "Chin Up, Cheer Up" - Because at some point you need to test the waters with a dose of cheer and optimism.

Tom Petty, "It'll All Work Out" - Sure, it's about a girl, but Tom Petty can be the exception to the rule.

R.E.M., "Find the River" - Pretty, mid-tempo, balances frustration and hope, sung by one of rock's most reassuring voices.

***Bonus Playlist!***  Good Morning Midnight: Twelve Songs for This Year's Hangover

Now there is a type of hangover that only happens so often (my friends tell me).  It's the rare hangover that you want to face head-on.  You want to wallow in all the self-pity available.  You want to stare down the drink and the shame and give it the saddest laugh imaginable.  When this happens, you'll know it.

The key (I've heard) is embracing what physically led to the hangover (drinking like an idiot) more than what emotionally led to the hangover (breakup/depression/rush party/etc).  There are some beautiful songs inspired by bad-idea-drinking, and this is what they're there for.  They are some of the darkest, bleakest, saddest, pitiful tracks ever committed to tape, and I love them for it.  Embrace them fully, then (for God's sake) leave them behind.

Tom Waits, "Closing Time" - Tom Waits is the linchpin of any hangover mix.

Ryan Adams, "The Bar Is A Beautiful Place" - Gorgeous, haggard.  Hard to hear but irresistible.

Cory Branan, "Freefall" - Unreleased, about bad ideas and empty acts.  Arguably Branan's darkest--and most powerful--song.

Lucero, "Noon As Dark As Midnight" - Really, pick a Lucero song.

Uncle Tupelo, "Moonshiner" - The acoustic guitar's walkdown to minor mode (1:58) following, "pretty women...I wish they was mine," has always killed me. 

Radiohead, "Motion Picture Soundtrack" - A really specific memory attached to this one.  It sounds unspeakably sad to me.

Pawtuckets, "Empty Bottle" - For all the obvious reasons; you're never quite sure who he's talking to.  Especially the vocal delivery on "let go of me now/let go of me please."

Bright Eyes, "Lua" - Get down, Bright Eyes fans!  Props to this one--it deftly tells the story I described above.

Beck, "Guess I'm Doing Fine" - As you might've guessed, he's not doing fine.  Not at all.

Amy Winehouse, "Back To Black" - Self-destruction prophesied.

Stereophonics, "Lying To Myself Again" - Tellingly, my favorite Stereophonics song.

Bob Dylan, "Most of the Time" - Sure, this is about the girl more than anything else.  But my God, how can a song this brutal feel this good?

Those are my picks--what are yours???

(Sports Alert!  The next question is about college football.  If you're not interested in college football, now would be a great time to hop in the breadline, commie.)

Interesting stat: since the BCS championship game started in 1998, only 12 different teams have ever played in the game.  My question: with approximately 120 teams in the FBS division, is it a good thing that college football is dominated by such a small elite? Would a playoff really change this?  Sometimes you get a little tired of the same teams.
--Jimbo "Secretly an Egalitarian" Fisher, Buffalo NY

The bad news for egalitarians: college football has always been and always will be dominated by a small number of elite teams.  The good news: those teams change.  Look at where Alabama was in 2002 compared to now.  Conversely, look at where Miami was in 2002.  I think what you're getting at is even though dominance for this group is cyclical (Bama's up, Miami's down, etc.), there's still a small number of teams that even have a shot at dominance.

I'm not so sure.  Virginia Tech is an example (albeit maybe the only example) of a program that started in obscurity, rose to prominence, and has maintained that success in the long-term.  It can happen, but it's infrequent.

It also takes:
1) A coaching staff that finds unconventional ways to win against more talented teams (VT example: special teams).
2) One game-changing recruit (VT example: Michael Vick and, in a different way, defensive coordinator Bud Foster).
3) Some luck. (VT example: Michael Vick, my God, Michael Vick)
4) Some outside-the-box marketing and recruitment ideas (VT example: playing a ton of nationally-televised Thursday night games before anyone else thought to.)
4) Admitting to yourself that the playing field isn't equal, the Big Guys don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt, and you have to go above and beyond "what's fair" to prove your worth.  (VT example: scheduling more tough non-conference games than they should've.)

This last point is something Boise State needs to come to terms with.  One big non-conference win a year clearly isn't enough.  Maybe that's not fair, but that's your reality.  Schedule two, or three top ranked teams outside your conference.  Stack them up and take on everybody (the way Bobby Bowden did when he was building up Florida State in the 80's).  Some programs are born on third and think they got a triple; some programs have to do more to get to the same place.  It's not fair, but it's reality.

As for a playoff, it wouldn't help the lack of parity.  That's a systemic issue in the way each program works and the resources it has at its disposal.  A playoff would only help the stray non-BCS team get its shot at a title.  Boise St. is more likely to get a real shot at a championship in a playoff than in the current BCS format;  it's the difference between earning one spot out of several in a tournament (which they clearly would do) and earning enough votes for one spot, period. 

I don't get sick of watching the same teams in the Big Game (Oklahoma, Ohio State, etc.).  I get sick of watching the same teams lose the Big Game (Oklahoma, Ohio State, etc.). 

Cue obnoxious SEC chant!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!

Chris: Like you, I generally dislike baseball, and I favor football, particularly college football.  However, I find that there are many, many good songs about baseball and nearly zero about football.  For example, the album that the Baseball Project* released a couple years ago was one of my favorites of 2008 (check out the song "Harvey Haddix" in particular) and Todd Snider's "America's Favorite Pastime" appeals to fans of sports and recreational drugs.  Football has given us nothing in the music department.  Why is this?  Must the baseball fan turn to art in order to prevent himself from going insane with boredom?  And, when will Chris Milam fill the college football pop song void?
 --Seth in Urbana, IL



*This band features REM's Peter Buck plus two solid songwriters from bands that are apparently well-respected were previously unknown to me, The Minus 5 and the Young Fresh Fellows.

First thing's first: the Young Fresh Fellows are fantastic.  I was introduced to them by the now-classic music doc Hype! about the Seattle rock explosion in the early 90's.  This song backdropped a grunge-gone-mainstream montage: flannel couture, Japanese fans with Elvis sideburns, etc.  The other obscure Seattle band that movie introduced me to was the Fastbacks--their song "K Street" is still one of my sleeper favorites from that era.

Second thing's second: when you say "football has given us nothing in the music department," I'm assuming you don't count the "rowdy friends" Monday Night Football intro?  Courtesy of Bocephus?  Or the Faith Hill "hey jack/slappin fat/etc." Sunday Night jingle? 

Yeah, I don't either.

NOW to the heart of the matter: why does baseball inspire better music than football? 

Theory #1:
It's older, or at least has been mythologized by America for much longer.  Simply more time for baseball tunes to work their way into our song canon.  This is especially true from football's side: it's been widely viewed since the sixties, but it's only become America's true past-time (and the dominant sport in terms of popularity and cultural relevance) in the last generation.  Give it some time.

Theory #2: 
The sport itself is more musical, and more pastoral.  The crack of the bat sounds like a rim shot.  The grassy outfield inspires "home on the range" lyrical cliches.  Mellow ballpark organs fill the gaps between innings.  Compare this to football, where everything basically sounds like a Detroit auto plant--one huge metallic explosion after another--and this (a little) makes sense.

Theory #3: 
An extension of #2: what type of music would football inspire?  Heavy metal, probably--brawny, screaming, leaden, heavy metal.  Not bouncy American standards that can be sung while watching the green grass sway and tubby dudes in pajamas trot around dirt.

It's hard to admit, but the thing I find so lame, irrelevant, and relentlessly dull about baseball is the same thing that lends itself to easy songs: it's an accommodating blank slate, filled with a cliched lexicon we're taught since childhood.  It's easy to write another baseball song because SO MANY have already been written; just listen to "Centerfield" and paint by the numbers.

What we need is one--just one--truly great football song.  That'll provide the blueprint to future generations of red-blooded American singers and songwriters.

Clearly, this is my destiny.  Thanks for the push, Seth.

But what do y'all think?  Are we totally forgetting a catalog of football tunes?  Am I off-base?  Oh Lord, I even intended that pun.  Time to move on.

Chris, you like ranking things arbitrarily.  It's the holiday season.  Rank all the major holidays!
--Chris in Memphis

Fine, I wrote this one in myself.  But someone needed to!

I'm defining "major" holidays as:
--Secular holidays everyone celebrates or at least remembers and looks forward to (days of remembrance aren't included, as they're not typically a "celebration")
--Religious holidays that I've celebrated.  All apologies--I'm sure I'd love them all, but can only speak to my Methodist experience.  Please tell me what I'm missing in the comments!

So, that gives us this list (and let me hear it if I'm missing any):
--Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Halloween, July 4th, St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Easter, Valentine's Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day.  Eleven total.  Let's get to the rankings!

Honorable Mention: Michael Vick's Birthday (June 26)
You've got your Christmas, I've got mine. 

Honorable Mention (Seriously): March Madness
The first 24-48 hours of March Madness might as well be a national holiday.  Nobody gets any work done, everyone's doing the exact same thing, and it's a time of hope, celebration, and (later) bitter disappointment.  Bonus points, since this occasionally coincides with St. Patrick's Day.

11) Memorial Day
People always have big Memorial Day plans, but I never do.  In my life, I don't think I've ever done anything fun on Memorial Day.  So this is me, being bitter.

10) Labor Day
Fall's my favorite season, and Labor Day weekend is its unofficial beginning.  Huge points for football-season-starting associations.

9) Cinco de Mayo
I love Cinco de Mayo.  The problem is that not enough of my friends remember it or celebrate it, so it's only occasionally (and incidentally) fun.  Clearly, I need to move to Mexico.

8) Easter
The holiday itself doesn't blow my hair back, but the periphery does: cheerful folks at church, girls in sundresses, etc.  How dare you judge me!  (Side note: Easter gets points deducted for the same reason all early spring events do--it's early enough that we all still look like our pale winter selves, but late enough that the sun's illuminating us in all our ghastly glory.  Easter/Steeplechase pictures are usually horrifying.)

7) Valentine's Day
In all honesty, I actually enjoy VDay.  On the years with good Valentine's memories, I've looked forward to it.  On the forgettable VDays, I haven't begrudged couples their fun.  And God knows we need something to take the edge off February.  I just can't put it ahead of the Top 6.

6) July 4
Love mid-summer, love pool parties, love BBQ.  Love AMERICA.  The downside is that it seems like folks are always traveling/out of town/spread out for July 4.  There's rarely one, centralized celebration.  But when there is, it's one of my favorite holidays.

5) St. Patrick's Day
For all the predictable reasons.  Also, SXSW typically overlaps, as does March Madness, as does some (unseasonably) good weather.  By the time mid-March comes, I normally have so much stored, frustrated energy from winter that St. Patty's is a much bigger deal than it should be.  Bonus points: my first day of recording my first album (Leaving Tennessee) was St. Patrick's Day 2005.

4) New Years Eve
Its ceiling is ridiculously high, but it's almost always disappointing or anticlimactic.  But when it's good, it's fantastic, and it's the last real chance to celebrate the holiday season before two months of dreary weather and non-events set in.  The downside: I don't like black eyed peas.

3) Thanksgiving
Ten years ago, Thanksgiving might not have cracked my Top 10.  "Let me get this straight," Chris would've said, "it's just Christmas dinner, but without everything else?  Lame!  Also, I'm asking Nicole to Homecoming and she's definitely saying yes."  Oh, how wrong I was.  About everything. 

Now, I get it: the food's fantastic, the little traditions (throwing the football with my brother, betting on when Dad falls asleep during the Cowboys game, etc.).  I love Thanksgiving for the same reason I love September, Fridays, appetizers, Please Please Me, the drive to a party, etc: it's the beginning of something.  And when this something is "the holiday season," that's a big deal.

2) Halloween
Look, if I could just eat candy for the rest of my life and not get scurvy, I would.  So the "food" category goes to Halloween.  It's always fun, people are always in a good mood, girls are dressed in "special" ways, it's the peak of fall, the weather is Chris-friendly (brisk but not cold), and you've got more great holidays to look forward to.  But there's also the other element, the weirdness of Halloween, that my brother pointed out to me years ago.  It's cool that a country founded by mostly Puritans decides to really celebrate all things dark, morbid, pagan, demonic, supernatural, and generally frightening, have its cherubic kids dress as devils, and party with tall tales, vandalism, and candy.  Halloween has the same dichotomy that all my favorite things embody: really fun if you don't think about it, and endlessly weird/amusing/kinda dark if you do.

1) Christmas
I'm on record at this point.  The Day After Thanksgiving hits, I decorate my place, I watch Love Actually, I drink hot chocolate, I listen to my Christmas playlist, my heart doubles in size Grinch-style, and I turn into a warm and/or fuzzy bowl of figgy pudding.  If you ever need a favor from me, or need to give me some bad news, do it in December.  I'm invulnerable.  I'm euphoric.  Christmas season is one of the only things I can think of that never disappoints--it's always memorable, always heady, and always has a little bit of magic.

What are your rankings?  Did I leave out your favorite holiday?  Want to make the case for Flag Day?  Hit up the comments!

If you need me, I'll be elbow-deep in some punkin pie.  Tis the season!

Until next time,
CM

Songs for Christmas

As a special bonus this month, I'm picking some personal favorites of the Christmas-song collection to share! A few notes:

1) Please jump in with yours. I selfishly want to discover all the great Christmas music known to man, and need your help. Sure, yes, feel free to debate/argue/discuss in the comments. But really, just give me your recommendations.

2) Apologies to the readers who don't celebrate Christmas--it's what I know! I'd love to hear some other holiday song recommendations?

3) A few years back, I graded all the well-known Christmas tunes in a 3-part monster blog. Check that out here: Part 1, 2, and 3.

4) Just like last time, I'm breaking this down into three categories: pop (Lennon's "So This Is Christmas"), secular ("Silver Bells," "Jingle Bells," "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," etc.), religious ("Silent Night," "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," "Noel," etc.). I'm giving the pop songs 12 picks, secular 10, and religious 5. Why these numbers? Why not these numbers? I'm also going to try to make some different picks than I have in past Christmas-song posts, for variation's sake. Still, the greats are the greats for a reason.

Here...we....go!

Songs for Christmas!

Pop

Tom Petty, "Christmas All Over Again"
Four chords? Check. Can't miss melody? Check. Oddly evocative lyrics? Check. It's Tom Petty all over again.

The Kinks, "Father Christmas"
Reason #1,602 Why the Kinks Are One of Rock's Most Underrated Bands: give me a 60's rock band that produced a better Christmas song than this. Fun, funny, rollicking, and truly original.

Billy Mack (Love Actually soundtrack), "Christmas Is All Around"
Here's what Love Actually understands about Christmas music: it's the only time that cheap sentiments, cliched lyrics, and cloying pop aren't just expected, but welcomed. In June, I'm not touching NSync; in December, I'm unabashedly buying their cover of "Let It Snow" and hitting repeat. Billy Mack calls this song "Grade-A crap," and it would be, except that it's not. It's funny, and generous, and self-deprecating, and filled with spirit. There's nothing uncool about being happy, and having a good laugh.

BONUS Love Actually pick: Dido, "Here With Me"
This song has little (or nothing) to do with Christmas, save its inclusion in Love Actually. But I'm giving it major love here for three reasons:
1) Turns out I kind of like Dido. Her melodies are gorgeous, and she does "haunted-and-heartbroken" as well as any singer/songwriter from the past ten years.
2) I'm intrigued by how many British singer/songwriters insist on using electronic percussion on their albums.
3) It's made infinitely better by the actor's performance of "My best friend's bride just discovered I'm in love with her." As Dido's chorus swoops over the action, dude performs the unprecedented "triple-pivot, dramatic sweater-zip, sidewalk spin, head-in-hands crouch, and public-outcry-that-scares-onlookers." It comes at the 56 minute mark. It's fantastic.

Hanson, "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)"
Major props to long-time reader Elizabeth for this recommendation. If anyone can sell unrepentant holiday pop cheese, it's Hanson. Everything, from the overwrought Jackson-esque vocal stylings, to glistening production, to the background vocal monolith, is exactly what you'd want it to be. Looking for the most ridiculous, lovable, infectious, pop-rocking 4-minutes in existence? Shtop it--Hanson's got you.

My Morning Jacket, "XMas Curtain"
Some genius, once upon a time, wrote that music is the "unspoken, inscrutable language of the soul." The right combination of sounds can communicate something otherworldly, can transform into something new, and can transport you to any given time, or place. These songs tap into some secret only the gods know. And what I'm trying to say is this: Jim James might not be from this planet. When he sings about dawn, it sounds exactly like a sunrise. When he sings about evil urges, the accompanying music is recognizably evil and alluring. And when he sings about Christmas, it just sounds like Christmas. Sure, an extremely weird Christmas. But Christmas nonetheless.

Leon Redbone (Elf soundtrack), "Christmas Island"
I can't hear it without laughing. Which, I think, is its goal.

Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Santa Claus Wants Some Loving"
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I'm looking for a creepy riff-rock Christmas song. But it can't just be a little creepy. It's got to be much creepier than 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,' which is disturbing to begin with. It's got to be so creepy that even the uber-famous band singing it doesn't get love from their crowd when they perform it live. It's got to be creepy and off-putting enough that the band members' wives ask them not to play it anymore, and cancel that holiday vacation to St. Barts." If the answer to that question is yes, look no further.

Emmylou Harris, "Light of the Stable"
I've mentioned this one in the past, but it's an all-time favorite. Christmas music, above all else, must make you feel something; it has to resonate. Considering my idea of heaven is Emmylou Harris singing "Halleluja" while I judge a barbeque contest, this song resonates. I can't think of any Christmas vocal that tops it.

Low, "Just Like Christmas"
The song takes place in Oslo, and is exactly what I picture Oslo sounding like. I'd love to find out sometime. A different mood from Hanson, to be sure (this is Christmas in a dreamy, supercold haze, as opposed to Christmas in a McDonald's playland), but pretty and resonant all the same.

Vince Guaraldi Trio, "Christmastime Is Here"
I'll admit it: I have no idea who Vince Guaraldi is. I'm completely--willfully--unaware of his catalog outside the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack. He's probably a fantastic jazz pianist and composer, and wholly deserving of an audience the other 11 months of the year. I can't possibly bring myself to care, because the one thing that I do know about Vince Guaraldi is so unspeakably perfect, I can't go above or beyond it.

I once knew a girl who loved Peanuts, but didn't think that it was sad, or that Charlie Brown was a tragic figure. Which is insane to me, because that's exactly what I loved about Peanuts growing up--it was palpably sad, but always hopeful. How do I know I was right? Vince Guaraldi, that's how. It is sad in the best possible sense--it meets you when you're down, but it tells you you're not alone. And, occasionally, it picks you back up.

John Lennon, "So This Is Christmas"
As I get older, it gets harder to gloss over the goofy "war is over" childrens' chorale that eventually swallows the song. But the fact remains: "So this is Christmas/and what have you done..." remains the best opening to a Christmas pop song I've ever heard. The whole thing--from the delivery, to the perfect pop structure, to the production--is so effortless for Lennon, it's easy to take for granted its simple perfection.

Frank Sinatra, "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
Because this has always been a great song, but I'm just now starting to hear it.

Secular

Sting, "I Saw Three Ships"
Four years in, and Sting gets his first mention on the Blog! Congrats, Sting!

Vienna Boys Choir, "The Holly and the Ivy"
Part 1 in a 2-part tribute to my brother's Christmastime favorites. For some unknown reason, this ranks near the top of his list. I can't hear it without thinking of him and his weird affection for songs about shrubbery.

John Williams (Home Alone sountrack), "Carol of the Bells"
Part 2 in the 2-part tribute: This John Williams version does what a John Williams anything should do: knock you out, steal your wallet, puncture a lung, crack a rib, and make you want more. But my brother's got a vendetta against any "Carol of the Bells" version with actual lyrics. Again, I would've never noticed this, but he's got a point: it's a great tune. It doesn't need a choir of 60 children screaming, "bells, bellsy bells!" or whatever the words are. Either way, I'm including this version, so you can sing along to the Apocalyptic nonsense lyrics and wonder if your life is better without them.

The Temptations, "Little Drummer Boy"
One of my favorites from the "secular" group, because of that great, rising melody, and the endearing lyric. I haven't heard a version of this song that brings out those two points better than the Temptations'. Effortlessly cool, yet subtle and affected.

Jackson 5, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
Little Michael wasn't ready to croon yet ("Give Love on Christmas Day"), but he could rock some soul-screaming vocals like no other. This version is so winning, and fun, that it makes every other sound drab and joyless in comparison. One of the rare Christmas staples that renders all other versions an afterthought.

Diana Ross & the Supremes, "Silver Bells"
A longtime favorite of mine, I used to prefer the Rat Pack versions of this song with their cool narrative emphasis and bouncy style. Now, I go for the smooth, deeply melodic version by Diana Ross & the Supremes. It's prettier, and dreamier, and somehow happier.

Nat King Cole, "The Christmas Song"
Every Christmas list I ever make will include Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song." Let's be very clear about that right now.

Otis Redding, "White Christmas"
Three reasons this is probably my all-time favorite from this group:
1) As stated in Songs for December, Otis Redding owns this month. If December is a Season of Snuggliness (as November's Fan of the Month would say), nobody communicates that feeling better than Otis.
2) The dominant horn line is almost identical to my favorite My Morning Jacket moment of all-time: the outtro for "I Will Sing You Songs." Seriously, listen to this song. Then listen to the 5:28 mark of this song. Then tell me Otis Redding and Jim James aren't actually messengers from God.
3) It arrives at the perfect moment in Love Actually, which we've now established owns my soul.

Religious

Smokey Robinson, "Away In a Manger/Coventry Carol"
Noticing a Motown trend, are we?

Boyz II Men, "Silent Night"
You're damn right. It is exactly what you want from a Boyz II Men a'capella version of "Silent Night." Insanely overwrought, melodramatic, and weirdly deviant from the original, and always gorgeous.

Frank Sinatra, "The First Noel"
This one's grown on me over the years. I used to gloss over it because of familiarity and a weird personal connection to a Home Improvement episode. Now, it's one of my all-time favorite Christmas melodies. If done right, it's incredibly powerful; of course, Sinatra does it right.

Relient K, "Angels We Have Heard On High"
Proof that the SoCal mall-punk bands weren't stupid, just dumb. This is a brilliant cover of an old-classic, equal parts hilarious, fun, clever, and genuinely impressive.

Nat King Cole, "O Holy Night"
My all-time favorite, anytime, anywhere. True story: when I got a new computer last February, I didn't transfer any music onto it for a few weeks. There were four songs I bought--in February, mind you--on iTunes because I knew I had to have them in my library immediately. They were, in order of purchase:
1) Pearl Jam, "Nothingman"
2) The Band, "The Weight"
3) Bob Dylan, "Desolation Row"
4) Nat King Cole, "O Holy Night"

Now, a few bonus picks!

BONUS WINTERTIME SONG: Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, "Winter Song"
Slightly goofy in the charming, childlike manner of so many Michaelson songs, impeccable vocals, gorgeous harmonies, and pitch-perfect songwriting. One of my favorite experiences as a listener is when I like something that I typically wouldn't like. I was surprised by--and grateful for--how much I appreciate this song.

BONUS NEW YEARS SONG: Guy Lombardo, "Auld Lang Syne"
You knew it was coming, and this is easily my favorite version.

BONUS CHRISTMAS VIDEO:
"O Holy Night," as performed by a New Orleans jazz ensemble on an episode of Studio 60.
By my rubric ("Christmas music, above all else, must make you feel something; it has to resonate."), this is the best Christmas song I've heard this season. I can't hear it without getting goosebumps.

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!


What are your Songs for Christmas?

Merry Christmas, Baby

Ho ho ho!

For those of you who wrote this morning saying, "where's the Christmas single, yo?" I apologize for the minor delay. Blitzen pulled a quad, most of the elves had too much cheer last night, and I'll be honest: some of you don't have chimneys. I still don't know what I'm supposed to do about that.

Anyway, here it is...the FREE Christmas single, "Lovesick Cafe." You can download it here, Myspace, Facebook...just do it!

Chris Milam - Lovesick Cafe

Enjoy to the world,
CM

In My Stereo (A Christmas Special)

Picture me rolling through Nashville with sleighbells on my Solara and two mugs of holiday cheer in the cupholders. Seems all I'm doing these days is running errands and listening to the single greatest assortment of Christmas music this side of a live Manheim Steamroller concert.

I kid.

So, come on down and join the fun. Here's what's In My Stereo, THE CHRISTMAS EDITION!

(Quick disclaimer: Those who don't celebrate Christmas might be hoping for non-Christmas holiday songs on this list. I'm sad to say there aren't any. Not because I don't like other holiday songs, but because I have never in my life heard any, outside of that "dradle ditty." If any of you would like to send me your Hannukah catalogue, or if any of you would like to send me your Kwanzaa tunes, I'm all ears and incredibly easy to persuade, especially if money and/or burritos are somehow involved.)

"White Christmas," Otis Redding
Maybe it's the organ riff that sounds remarkably like the outtro from My Morning Jacket's "I Will Sing You Songs." Maybe it's the placement in Love Actually. Maybe it's the fact that Otis Redding could sing in German and still sound better than everything not named "Emmylou Harris." If you like your holiday music "snuggly," look no further.

"Light of the Stable," Emmylou Harris
Hey, speaking of Emmylou Harris, here she is, sounding like a combination of 1) great woman and 2) heaven itself. I swear to you right here and now I'd gladly marry any member of her extended family if it guaranteed a private Emmylou performance twice a year (say, around the Thanksgiving table, and fireside Christmas Eve, just spitballing).

"Angels We Have Heard on High," Relient K
You'd be surprised how well time-honored Christmas hymns lend themselves to SoCal mall-punk songwriting tropes. Trust me.

"Father Christmas," The Kinks
A few years back, I broke down all Christmas songs into three categories:
1) Religious ("Away in a Manger," "O Holy Night," etc.)
2) Secular ("Jingle Bells," "White Christmas," etc.)
3) Pop ("Blue Christmas," "Merry Christmas, Baby," etc.)

For whatever reason, it's hard to find rock songs that fall into the third category. Enter The Kinks, who rob Santa at gunpoint and take his money, telling him to "give all the toys/to the little rich boys." If you listen to this song and don't enjoy it, I will eat a hobnailed boot.

"Christmas All Over Again," Tom Petty
Three or, at most, four chords? Check. The best, no-brainer of a melody you can possibly imagine? Check. A heart-warming, genuinely goofy, but overall winning sentimen? Check. It's everything a Tom Petty Christmas song should be. And more?

"Walking in a Winter Wonderland," Phantom Planet
I've often used this space to extol the underappreciated virtues of Phantom Planet, a smart, incredibly poppy band from California that has been kicking around in different forms since the turn of the century. Well, hey, look, they recorded a version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and it's smart and incredibly poppy. If this is part of a Phantom Planet Sings Christmas Songs full album, someone needs to 1) alert me immediately and 2) just go ahead and send it to Milam HQ. Thanks.

"Carol of the Bells," Any instrumental version
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: this song shouldn't have singing. It's awesome as is. I don't need the boys choir chanting "bells, bellsy bells!" in the background. Some things are better without talking, like "Carol of the Bells," or "Jessica Simpson."

"Theme from the Nutcracker," Tchaikovsky
Kidding. Kind of.

"The Christmas Song," Vince Guaraldi Trio (aka, the Peanuts Christmas music)
I have to be honest: I know nothing about Vince Guaraldi or his greater catalogue. I don't know who he is or where he came from or where he's headed. In truth, I don't care. All I know is that his work on the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack is among the greatest achievements of Western Civilization. It stands beside "democracy" and "Megan Fox" as the pinnacles of human achievement.

Christmastime is full of family and friends and merriment and cheer and nog and (probably) accidental fires in the living room that you blame on the cat. It's a great time of year (someone called it "most wonderful," but I don't buy into hyperbole), and it's usually a time of happiness. But it's also a little sad, too. A lot of the best Christmas songs capture the unique blend of joy and melancholy that characterizes the holiday season. The Peanuts Christmas soundtrack does it as well as any I've heard.

God bless Vince Guaraldi. Whoever the hell he is.

What's in your Christmastime stereo?

Bells bellsy bells,
CM

Coming Down Your Chimney

Hey hey hey, and ho-ho-ho to everyone.

Monday, December 8th, I'm giving you a FREE Christmas Single***! December 8th, just get on Myspace or ILike and download your free copy of my new song, "Lovesick Cafe."

What's that you say? You'd like to pay me anyway for the Chrismilamas Single and want to know my preferred method of payment? Feel free to send any/all of these to Milam HQ at the South Pole, East Nashville:

1) Cookies. Any kind, but preferably "good."
2) An SEC Championship for the Alabama Crimson Tiders.
3) Marisa Miller.
4) A trampoline.
5) Peace on earth.

So hop on Myspace or Facebook next Monday and get "Lovesick Cafe"!

In my winter underwear,
CM

***This offer is good for those who celebrate non-Christmas holidays, even those who celebrate nothing at all and hate the holiday season. You're welcome. Grinch.

Christmastravaganzafest 2K7

Merry y'all,

I've got some more good stuff coming up, I wanted to make one more announcement to everyone in the greater Nashville area. Mark your calendars now for the

Second Annual MILAM'S CHRISTMASTRAVAGANZAFEST!

Last year's was an intimate acoustic thing at 12th & Porter with no supporting artists. This year, we've moved the show to the famed MERCY LOUNGE on Cannery Row. Three awesome artists are lined up to rock your face, and I'll be playing with my band, Formerly the A-Men, but for this show we will be called Chris Milam and His Little Helpers.

The band doesn't know this yet.

Here's everything you need to know:
Chris Milam (and His Little Helpers)
The Last Almanac (Josiah Rosen--formerly of Augustana)
Caitlin Rose
Wednesday, December 12th
Mercy Lounge

If you live in or around the Nashville area, you cannot miss this show. It's going to be plenty fun, unpredictable, raucous, and (in tune with the spirit of the season) dare I say snuggly?

Walking in my winter underwear,
CM

A Very Doghouse Christmas

Once upon a time in a land far away, Three Kings were watching over their flock of seagulls at night. And lo, an angel appeared unto them and said:

"Do not be afraid, for I bring you tidings of great radness and wonder. A video is born in the east that will save humanity, manity, and likely womanity. You will call this video "A Doghouse Christmas 2006", and it will bring you hope throughout the ages. You will find it wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in an Internet Manger. And InterManger, if you will." They did. The angel continued: "You should bring it great gifts of cinnamon and sugar, and probably some beers of rich flavors. Go and tell it I sent you."

And the Three Kings were afraid, but away they went. Here is what awaited them:

Merry Christmas,
Chris (aka Slim Pickins)

P.S. Worry not: this video is very safe for work , as all good saviors should be.

Christmas Mailbag

Ho ho ho, my little corn muffins. Many of you have asked if I work with anyone, and I'd like to reveal now, in this blog, that I actually do have hired help. In the spirit of the season, I've emplyed a team of elves that run my errands, fill my gas, pay my bills, shop my groceries. They also sort my mail. Last night, over a game of Chinese Checkers, Bruce told me that the mail has piled up. So I spent all last night reading every last letter and I'd like to share a few of them in this, my Christmas Mailbag:

Chris: love the beard. If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be? -Amber, Souix Falls
It's funny you asked, Amber. I recently acquired a basset hound named Buttons. I adopted him from a New England family--their children couldn't play nice with the dog. Buttons suffers from chronic depression. I posted a picture of him above. To answer your question, though, I would prefer a tiger shark to a basset hound.

Way to go, Chris. You're making your hometown proud! Where can we hear "Leaving Tennessee"? --Tony, Newark
Thanks Tony, but I'm not actually from New Jersey. I'm open to going there, despite everything I've ever heard, and everyone I've ever met from there. As for my song, I'll be posting another blog tomorrow, cataloguing several stations where you can request the song, should you have the time or inclination. Also, check my site for more information. Stay tuned!

Howdy...what you want for Christmas? -Kriss, Norway
This letter was exciting to receive, because I had no idea I had fans in Scandanavia. I can't even point out Scandanavia on a map, but that's mostly because I can't, in fact, read. Anyway, this was a popular inquiry, and while I don't actually need anything for Christmas, there are a very few things that I admittedly desire. Nothing big. But, since you're asking, here they are, Kriss:
-A 15,000 square-foot estate with heated marble floors, at least 55 rooms, 18-hole golf course, sporting fields, recording studio in the basement, and, most importantly, ziplines for getting around. I'm against any gold decoration, however, because it is opulent.
-'65 Aston Martin.
-A conversation with any or all of the following: Michael Vick, Andre 3000, Eddie Vedder, and Kelly Kapowski (the character, not the actress).
-Peace on earth.
-Jack Irons as my drummer.
-A litter of prized bloodhounds.
-A lifetime supply of Fruit Roll-Ups. Preferably the standard "variety pack," but, if we must specify, "green" is the best. I don't know it's flavor, but it tastes like green. You know what I'm talking about.
-A one-way trip to Belgium or Switzerland, or any of those "developing" countries that have high taxes, elections, and an acceptable quality of life. Also, the Frommers guide to said country. Also, some kind of satellite TV package in said country so I can still watch football. Also, my own charter jet for the purposes of shipping pork ribs to me, so that I may eat well while watching football in said country. Also, a new sports calendar which replaces baseball with football, so that I may watch football and eat pork ribs in Belgium 10 months out of the year.
-A meeting with the head of A&R for Columbia Records. I would just ask for a record deal with Columbia Records, but I don't want anything that easy.
-If it's possible, I'd like spring to start January 2 every year. Thanks.
-This might be difficult, but I'd like to eat an entire bowl of nougat sometime. So, really, I'm just asking for an entire bowl of nougat. I'll do the rest.
-A hula hoop.
-A diamond-studded guitar strap. Also, I'd require that strap to be attached to a diamond-studded guitar, which can only be played with a pick made of solid gold. Also, it should smell like white chocolate.
-If you could throw in a lump of coal, that would be great. I'm having people over for pork chops and I'm out of briquets.
That's my tentative Christmas list--nothing fancy, just a few sentimental trifles. I also made a Hannukah list as a backup, but there is neither time nor space for it. Let's move on...

dO yOU KnoW maTT WeRTz??? -- ~**Holly**~, Brentwood
Yes and no.

Dudicus, I heard you're getting a band together...what's the word? --Trev, Flagstaff
This is true...I'm currently in the process of gathering a band of merry thieves to steal from the wealthy and give rock to the poor and starved. The tricky part about forming a band is not forming a band--it's forming the band. You need just the right dynamic: bass player that never talks, drummer with a violent temper, lead guitarist with an ear for harmony and a secret desire for the spotlight. The most important aspect of building a band is making sure there's plenty of material for its inevitable Behind the Music.

Milam, you forgot about "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" in your Christmas music post. Keep truckin, and you know what it's all about. --Matt, Nashville
Color me embarrassed (that should look burgundy, if you're visualizing at home). I left out several songs that all deserved mention. If I omitted your personal favorite, please don't take offense...I wrote that post under a very strict deadline and my boss is a domineering jerk.

What do you think of sports-talk show discussion of Michael Vick? --Usher, ATL
I'm not in a place to discuss this rationally. All I can say right now is that Skip Bayless is 160 pounds of evil, and deserves a thorough smiting.

Christoph! When is your next album coming out? It's been five months already--get on it! Nedley, Mount Ida
I get this question a lot. The good thing about this question is that it implies the person asking it enjoys my music and is eager to hear more. The bad thing about this question is that albums take a lot of time and money to make, neither of which I have right now. Aside from those obvious constraints, even the most successful artists with all the requisite resources available to them take at least a year or two between albums. Pearl Jam has taken three. Counting Crows have taken twenty. That said, if someone wants to cut a check for twelve grand, I'll be in the studio tomorrow (sounds like a Hannukah list addition to me).

Hello there Chris. I was wondering where you're spending Christmas. Bye bye now. --Margarite, New Britain
Thank you for asking, Margarite. I'll be spending Christmas in Arkansas because that's where my family moved. Also, my grandmother recently moved there because she is very old and needs to be near family. Also, Arkansas is a state with much to offer, like water and Sonics. We're actually eating Bacon Mushroom Melts for Christmas dinner.

Thanks for all the mail, everyone. Later this week I'll post a bunch of music-related information, so look for it soon!

As promised,
Chris

Tis the Season, Part III

Right into Part III: The Christmas pop songs:

Blue Christmas, Elvis:
Elvis. The word "blue." Sixteen syllables. This song is classic King, right down to the "ahuh" lead-ins, twelve-bar blues progression, and the "wooo" background vocals. If you don't like "Blue Christmas," I will actually fight you. Because that's what Christmas is all about.
Grade: B+

Mele Kalikimaka, Jimmy Buffett:
Let's just go ahead and say what everyone is thinking: MelekalikiNO. I know Jimmy Buffett is really "cool" to geriatric WASPs who want a background for getting drunk and an excuse to wear flip-flops, but, all that aside, I can't shake the feeling that he's a complete, unashamed hack. Take this festering lump to your office's "Hawaiian Thursdays" party and get it out of my life.
Grade: N- (it's lower than F, and it's a stupid letter)

Christmas Is All Around, That Guy from Love Actually:
I actually saw this movie for the first time last night and, while I won't say that it "warmed my heart," I will say that it "completely defrosted it." I will say that. And this song is part of the reason. It is unique to this list: the rare parody that works in jest and in earnest.
Grade: B-

Christmas in Hollis, Run DMC:
This song features a horn line straight from Stax and Run DMC at their cheesy best. Points for the "Christmas song medley" in the middle, points deducted for "ill reindeer."
Grade: B

Christmas, Blues Traveler:
This song's schtick is that John Popper is tired of Christmas and all the cheer. The bad news is that the song is unoriginal, contrived, uninspired, and, in typical Blues Traveler fashion, thirty minutes long. The good news is that it makes everything else look great.
Grade: D-

Do They Know It's Christmastime, Various Artists:
My review of this song is complicated by the fact that they've released a new version every ten years since 1984, so there are three competing renditions. All three versions have a few things in common: a good intro, a strong chorus, a decent build, and Bono trying his best to ruin everything. The song is, in the fashion of mid-80's benefit singles, markedly goofy, but its heart is in the right place, and it occasionally puts me in the spirit.
Grade: B

All I Want for Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey:
Ask any girl on the planet what her favorite Christmas song is and you're going to get this squealed back at you. Because nothing says romance like desperation and dependency.
Grade: C

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, Beatles:
What many people forget is how unbelievably cheesy Paul is, especially in the early years. This can get annoying when he's shrieking in the background of a blues song, but it's welcome in the context of a rollicking Christmas tune. Well done here.
Grade: B+

Santa's Beard, Beach Boys:
Classic Beach Boys in all their soprano-harmonizing glory. This song, lyrically, goes next to nowhere, but let's give it up for the background vocals.
Grade: B

Santa Baby, Madonna:
Here's the thing: you know some songs aren't necessarily bad. You even, in theory, kind of like the idea of them. But, once they start playing, you just couldn't care less. That's "Santa, Baby," sung adequately by Madonna, back when she was marginally hot. Next.
Grade: C+

Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto, James Brown:
James Brown: Complete lunatic? Sure. Chauvanist? Allegedly. Soul demigod? Absolutely. James Brown, simply, is a madman with a method, and this is some unadulterated radness from the Godfather himself. Look at the title, for the love of Pete. High points vocally: the inexplicable intensity on "hitch up your reindeer," the trademark "hit it" during the solo, and the nonsensical improv near the end. And don't forget about Gary.
Grade: B

Let Me Sleep (It's Christmastime), Pearl Jam:
Consummate weirdness from one of the best bands of their generation. What's even weirder is how little this resembles a Pearl Jam song, even the weird Pearl Jam songs. And, in classic Vedder fashion, the verse's lyrics have nothing, ostensibly, to do with the title of the song. This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts them:
Grade: C+

Co-Favorite...So This Is Christmas, John Lennon:
Is this what John Popper had in mind? Probably not. Because what Lennon had in mind was a song about all the tradition, confusion, joy, and mystery of the season, complete with sincere optimism and genuine disappointment. No matter what you're feeling during Christmas, this song can match it, and the background choir never feels contrived. Simply, as good as any out there.
Grade: A

Co-Favorite...Merry Christmas Baby, Otis Redding:
If, for you, Christmas is just a generally good time, I can't think of a more fitting tune. The composition is pitch-perfect and the performance is in the pocket. Of course, the Memphis Horns can come up with as many countermelodies as you want, and, as if you didn't already know, Otis Redding is a God.
Grade: A

Joyful and triumphant,
Chris

Tis the Season, Part II

Ahhhhhh...can you smell it? It's Christmas. Cookies. Pine Needles. Regret. Lovely.

To keep our spirit levels at an all-time high, I'm here to bring you Part II of my trek through the musical magic of the season. In Part I (yesterday), I detailed the 3 Types of Christmas Songs and gave special attention to Type 1: Religious. Onto the largest and most versatile grouping: The Secular.

(Once again, I'm using this site as my database. Click and enjoy the recorder-laden renditions of your favorite holiday tunes.)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:
Growing up, I liked the story of Rudolph as much as anyone--mutant deer uses his difference to his advantage and, in doing so, brings children toys--it's a time-honored tale. But, with age comes wisdom, and I get the feeling that Blitzen and the gang were less-than-pleased with Rudolph's antics. My new favorite reindeer is Donder, mostly because that's a bizarre name and I think he was tight with Blitzen.
Best version: The Temptations
Grade: B

I Saw Three Ships:
Oft forgotten, but not by me. If bells are involved, this song brings it.
Grade: B+

The Holly and the Ivy:
My brother loves this song, which means it has exactly one fan. Let me get this straight: the song is about foliage? How about NO.
Grade: C-

Little Drummer Boy:
Now this is a song. Points for: cool percussion, pa-rumps, non-traditional melody, no foliage to be found, and interesting lyrical slant on the whole nativity scene. Points deducted for: Bob Seger's version.
Grade: A-

The Christmas Song:
Chestnuts. Open fire. You had me at hello, Christmas Song. (Side note: Where is it a tradition to "dress up like Eskimos" during Christmas? And why? We may never know.)
Grade: A-

I'll Be Home for Christmas:
Dare I say....wistful? I dare.
Grade: B

Frosty the Snowman:
I never jumped on the Frosty bandwagon. While Rudolph was cool because he was a forgotten reindeer who used his handicap as a gift, Frosty was nothing more than an intrusive, mutant snow-creature who likely got what was coming to him. Seriously, who wants their snowman to come alive? Let's move on.
Grade: C+

Jingle Bells:
Points for sheer ubiquity. Points deducted for unrelenting lameness.
Grade: C

Jingle Bell Rock:
Now we're talking jingles and bells. This song will always get nostalgia points for its inclusion in my kindergarten Christmas play, where the choreography involved "kissing" a girl. Who doesn't like the "What a bright time/it's the right time..." break-down section, with the altnernative parts for the female and male singers? That was a rhetorical question, but I'll answer it anyway: not me.
Grade: B+ (with a bullet)

We Wish You a Merry Christmas:
I don't know what figgy pudding is, but I think I want to be a part of it.
Grade: B

12 Days of Christmas:
I don't think there's another Christmas song that frustrates me this much. Good premise, but, my God, does it have to be thirty minutes long?
Best part: Watching little kids sing along, mumbling through parts 12-6 ("Seven priests a-snorkling...") only to explode on the "FIIIIIVE GOLDEN RIIIIINGS." Actually, adults do this, too.
Grade: B-

O Christmas Tree:
Did you know that the Christmas tree was a tactic used by the Roman empire to bring tree-worshipping pagans into the Christmas holiday? "Hey, we got this holiday and, uh, I hear you people really like trees, which we don't think is weird at all. Check this out."
Best version: The all-instrumental piano cut on the Peanuts Christmas. Nothing else is even close.
Grade: B

Deck the Halls:
On paper, I should hate this song. Dumb fa-las, mindless lyrics, a derivative melody. And yet I don't...go figure.
Grade: B-

Winter Wonderland:
Two good things about this:
1) When someone sings, "Walking in my winter underwear." Thank you, third grade.
2) Phantom Planet's version. I'm serious, check it out.
Grade: B

Let It Snow:
Sure, it's a staple. Sure, the Rat Pack versions are enjoyable. I think I would like this song a lot more if I've ever actually seen snow.
Grade: B-

Jolly Ole Saint Nicholas:
Let me get this straight: this kid has waited in line for days, is finally on Santa's lap, has his undivided attention, and tells him, essentially, "figure it out." What a failure.
Grade: F

Silver Bells:
Arguably the most underrated of the secular lot. What we have here, finally, is something I can relate to: good imagery, an unconventionally pretty melody, a pitch-perfect atmosphere and tone. It's Christmastime in the city and, darnit, I'm in the city. Well done there.
Grade: A-

And my favorite...Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:
And I'll tell you why: the melody is gorgeous and the lyrics expand the warmth and cheer of typical Christmas themes to the optimism of the approaching New Year as well. Everything about the song feels sincere and appropriate, and something indefinable immediately puts me in the Christmas spirit.
Best part: When, like in O Holy Night, the melody finally rises to its highest point. Only this time, rather than resolving on an affirmative note, the underlying chord is palpably sad ("...troubles will be miles away..."). That dichotomy of a hopeful lyric overtop a troubled musical backdrop gives the song a beautiful tension and something few holiday tunes contain: multi-dimensionality.
Best version: Frank Sinatra's.
Grade: A+

Tis the Season, Part I

Break out the plastic tree, the concrete logs, and the virgin 'nog, it's Christmastime. Some of you, I'm sure, are not yet in the Christmas spirit. "It's still November," "We're still eating Thanksgiving leftovers," or "I'm Jewish," you might say. All reasonable arguments. Nonetheless, Christmastime is fast-approaching and, to get the holiday juices flowing, I thought I'd take a look at my favorite holiday through the lens of my self-granted expertise: music.

The way I see it, there are three types of Christmas songs, and all three kick donkey in different ways:

1) Religious. These are the songs about Jesus himself, Mary, Bethlehem, three kings, shephards, angels, basically anyone but Joseph. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, cared about Joseph. Obviously they mean more to you if you're, um, Christian (as does Christmas itself), so let's just go ahead and take that fact for granted.
Examples: Silent Night, We Three Kings, O Come All Ye Faithful

2) Secular. Fun for the whole family, because even the non-Christian kids love Rudolph. These songs are your garden-variety "carols," pertaining more to the iconic aspects of Christmas rather than the religious ones: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, or just general wintertime merriment.
Examples: Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, Up on the Rooftop

3) Pop. These songs are secular, too, but they're not so much carols as they are pop songs. The difference is hard to explain but easy to hear. Basically, if it's about Christmas but it's not a) about Jesus b) a carol you've known since you were 3, it's in this category.
Examples: Do They Know It's Christmastime, Blue Christmas, Santa Baby

Using this website as my guide, I'm going to breakdown the most notable and lovable Christmas tunes to kickstart the season. This breakdown will come in three installments, and I'd like to start with the religious songs. Here are some of the most noteworthy:

Joy to the World:
A rousing tune to be sure, but only truly memorable if performed by a full and steady choir. This song's success, I think, depends on the "repeat the sounding joy" bit, and if it's sung in "a round" fashion and well. Points deducted because nobody really knows the words: "Joy to the world! The Lord is come...let's have...a drink...or two!"
Grade: B+

O Come All Ye Faithful:
Apparently there's an entire bridge to this one I've never even heard before. Okay at first, but more repetitive than toasts at a wedding reception.
Grade: C+

Do You Hear What I Hear:
No. This sounds like a song by the Mama's and the Papa's.
Grade: D

Angels We Have Heard on High:
Vastly underrated by the majority of Christmas song-singers. This song is the Robert "Big Shot Bob" Horry of the holiday catalogue: you wouldn't put it in the Hall of Fame, but, whenever you're around it, you get the feeling it's great.
Best part: "Gloooooooooooooooooooooooooooria. In eggshell see day-oh." Rad.
Grade: A-

Good King Wencesles:
I always knew the tune but never the words. Turns out this is some morality tale about the merits of charity during the Christmas season. Also, Wency was quite the bastard.
Grade: F+

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing:
This one brings it in a "at least we're not singing about Wencesles" kind of way. The melody fits the mood, always upbeat and always varying the slightest bit. The best part is "Part B" of each verse, where it shifts to minor mode and finally resolves on "Christ is born in Bethlehem." Thoughtful composition, and a pretty melody.
Grade: B

Silent Night:
A heavyweight. "Silent Night" sets the mood for what I like to call "wistful quiet-times," and is one of the only religious Christmas songs that really connects with me spiritually (for the record, "quiet wistful times" usually involves fondue and slippers). Of course, the melody is gorgeous, but I think the song's real strength is its versatility--I've heard at least a dozen legitimately good, very different takes on this song, and all bring out something fresh. And if you think I don't secretly enjoy the a'capella version by Boyz II Men, you obviously don't know me very well.
Grade: A

We Three Kings:
If not for the "Star of wonder/star of night" chorus, this song would be a glorified Wenceslas. I will say that this song is doubly enjoyable if sung by a deep baritone-to-bass voice.
Grade: B+

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear:
Not bringing anything to the table, not taking anything off. Congratulations, you're Tim Thomas.
Grade: C-

The First Noel:
I love this song. It's a standard pop melody with a strong lyric (I've always enjoyed the shephards' story the most). Also, I can't listen to it without thinking of its inclusion on "Home Improvement," when the kids' shirts accidentally spell out "No-Al" instead of "Noel," reminding me that there was a time when I thought Tim Allen was funny, Global Guts was exciting, and the Offspring were a good band. And that, friends, is high comedy.
Grade: B+

And my favorite...O Holy Night:
"O Holy Night" has long shared a storied rivalry with "Silent Night," and nearly everyone is on one side of the fence or the other. I actually had this exchange recently:
Me: I like "O Holy Night."
Dude: You're stupid. "Silent Night" is better.
Me: My hymn can beat up your hymn.
Dude: I have always hated you.
As I told Dude (before I beat him into submission), there is no match for "O Holy Night," specifically Nat King Cole's version. Once the song shifts to minor mode ("Fall on your knees"), melody building, instruments swelling, leading up to the final resolution on "night divine," it separates itself from the pack: perfect composition, beautiful arrangments, and Mr. Cole bringing his standard brilliance. And the melody just keeps climbing up, enacting the type of hope that the song itself recounts. This song, more than any other, fills me with the actual spirit of Christmas itself, rather than that of gifts and traditions, and that's the best of achievements. All due respect to "Silent Night," though: you're Bird...you just happened to be playing at the same time as Magic.
Grade: A+

Part II tomorrow...
Chris