Monday, December 12, 2005

Christmas Mailbag

Ho ho ho, my little corn muffins. Many of you have asked if I work with anyone, and I'd like to reveal now, in this blog, that I actually do have hired help. In the spirit of the season, I've emplyed a team of elves that run my errands, fill my gas, pay my bills, shop my groceries. They also sort my mail. Last night, over a game of Chinese Checkers, Bruce told me that the mail has piled up. So I spent all last night reading every last letter and I'd like to share a few of them in this, my Christmas Mailbag:

Chris: love the beard. If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be? -Amber, Souix Falls
It's funny you asked, Amber. I recently acquired a basset hound named Buttons. I adopted him from a New England family--their children couldn't play nice with the dog. Buttons suffers from chronic depression. I posted a picture of him above. To answer your question, though, I would prefer a tiger shark to a basset hound.

Way to go, Chris. You're making your hometown proud! Where can we hear "Leaving Tennessee"? --Tony, Newark
Thanks Tony, but I'm not actually from New Jersey. I'm open to going there, despite everything I've ever heard, and everyone I've ever met from there. As for my song, I'll be posting another blog tomorrow, cataloguing several stations where you can request the song, should you have the time or inclination. Also, check my site for more information. Stay tuned!

Howdy...what you want for Christmas? -Kriss, Norway
This letter was exciting to receive, because I had no idea I had fans in Scandanavia. I can't even point out Scandanavia on a map, but that's mostly because I can't, in fact, read. Anyway, this was a popular inquiry, and while I don't actually need anything for Christmas, there are a very few things that I admittedly desire. Nothing big. But, since you're asking, here they are, Kriss:
-A 15,000 square-foot estate with heated marble floors, at least 55 rooms, 18-hole golf course, sporting fields, recording studio in the basement, and, most importantly, ziplines for getting around. I'm against any gold decoration, however, because it is opulent.
-'65 Aston Martin.
-A conversation with any or all of the following: Michael Vick, Andre 3000, Eddie Vedder, and Kelly Kapowski (the character, not the actress).
-Peace on earth.
-Jack Irons as my drummer.
-A litter of prized bloodhounds.
-A lifetime supply of Fruit Roll-Ups. Preferably the standard "variety pack," but, if we must specify, "green" is the best. I don't know it's flavor, but it tastes like green. You know what I'm talking about.
-A one-way trip to Belgium or Switzerland, or any of those "developing" countries that have high taxes, elections, and an acceptable quality of life. Also, the Frommers guide to said country. Also, some kind of satellite TV package in said country so I can still watch football. Also, my own charter jet for the purposes of shipping pork ribs to me, so that I may eat well while watching football in said country. Also, a new sports calendar which replaces baseball with football, so that I may watch football and eat pork ribs in Belgium 10 months out of the year.
-A meeting with the head of A&R for Columbia Records. I would just ask for a record deal with Columbia Records, but I don't want anything that easy.
-If it's possible, I'd like spring to start January 2 every year. Thanks.
-This might be difficult, but I'd like to eat an entire bowl of nougat sometime. So, really, I'm just asking for an entire bowl of nougat. I'll do the rest.
-A hula hoop.
-A diamond-studded guitar strap. Also, I'd require that strap to be attached to a diamond-studded guitar, which can only be played with a pick made of solid gold. Also, it should smell like white chocolate.
-If you could throw in a lump of coal, that would be great. I'm having people over for pork chops and I'm out of briquets.
That's my tentative Christmas list--nothing fancy, just a few sentimental trifles. I also made a Hannukah list as a backup, but there is neither time nor space for it. Let's move on...

dO yOU KnoW maTT WeRTz??? -- ~**Holly**~, Brentwood
Yes and no.

Dudicus, I heard you're getting a band together...what's the word? --Trev, Flagstaff
This is true...I'm currently in the process of gathering a band of merry thieves to steal from the wealthy and give rock to the poor and starved. The tricky part about forming a band is not forming a band--it's forming the band. You need just the right dynamic: bass player that never talks, drummer with a violent temper, lead guitarist with an ear for harmony and a secret desire for the spotlight. The most important aspect of building a band is making sure there's plenty of material for its inevitable Behind the Music.

Milam, you forgot about "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" in your Christmas music post. Keep truckin, and you know what it's all about. --Matt, Nashville
Color me embarrassed (that should look burgundy, if you're visualizing at home). I left out several songs that all deserved mention. If I omitted your personal favorite, please don't take offense...I wrote that post under a very strict deadline and my boss is a domineering jerk.

What do you think of sports-talk show discussion of Michael Vick? --Usher, ATL
I'm not in a place to discuss this rationally. All I can say right now is that Skip Bayless is 160 pounds of evil, and deserves a thorough smiting.

Christoph! When is your next album coming out? It's been five months already--get on it! Nedley, Mount Ida
I get this question a lot. The good thing about this question is that it implies the person asking it enjoys my music and is eager to hear more. The bad thing about this question is that albums take a lot of time and money to make, neither of which I have right now. Aside from those obvious constraints, even the most successful artists with all the requisite resources available to them take at least a year or two between albums. Pearl Jam has taken three. Counting Crows have taken twenty. That said, if someone wants to cut a check for twelve grand, I'll be in the studio tomorrow (sounds like a Hannukah list addition to me).

Hello there Chris. I was wondering where you're spending Christmas. Bye bye now. --Margarite, New Britain
Thank you for asking, Margarite. I'll be spending Christmas in Arkansas because that's where my family moved. Also, my grandmother recently moved there because she is very old and needs to be near family. Also, Arkansas is a state with much to offer, like water and Sonics. We're actually eating Bacon Mushroom Melts for Christmas dinner.

Thanks for all the mail, everyone. Later this week I'll post a bunch of music-related information, so look for it soon!

As promised,

No comments:

Post a Comment