Wednesday, August 16, 2006

F-U-N with F-A-Q!

For reasons unbeknownst to me, folks ask me questions. Sometimes, a lot of folks ask me a lot of different questions. Sometimes, a few folks ask me the same question repeatedly. And almost all of the time, I have no answers.

Today, we seek to remedy that. I present to you:

Milam's Answers to Frequently Asked Questions!

Q: How do I pronounce your name?
A: Milam = "MY-lum" If you look at "Milam" and think "Mee-LOM," you're probably French. Also, I don't want to know you.

Q: What instruments do you play?
A: In second grade, my parents beat me mercilessly until I took up piano (I've since learned that this is a cherished American tradition--everyone takes piano lessons in grade school to stop the avalanche of beatings). Much later, I picked up bass to play in a band that never actually formed. Soon after, I grabbed my broseph's acoustic axe and flipped it over. The rest, as they say, is personal history. I've always sung, and sung delightfully, although the flies on my shower wall would lead you to believe otherwise.

Q: If I write you at message you/IM you at CMLeavingTN, is that really you?
A: Who else would it really be? As much as I'd get a kick out of employing middle aged women to sustain my cyber-correspondences and adopt my web-persona, that just wouldn't be worthwhile. If the point to bridge the gap between an artist and his fans, I'd consider a cyber-secretary counterproductive and dishonest. Hit me up and I'll hit you back. Hard.

Q: Why do you have so many friends on Myspace? Do you really call THAT a friendship?
A: I'm glad you asked that, Several Anonymous Inquisitors. I have somewhere around fifteen thousand Myspace friends to date, and I keep up regularly with all of them. We have a convention every quarter at the Liberty Bowl in Memphis, where everyone sits in the stadium and I stand at the 50 yard line with a microphone and tell them how much they all mean to me. Then we exchange gifts. And, to be perfectly honest, these are the best fifteen thousand relationships I've ever had. Thank you, Myspace. Thank you.

Q: You talk periodically about your brother in this space. What's your family like?
A: My family is the typical American family. We're just like you. Your grandmother killed your dog too, right?

Q: What are your new songs sounding like?
A: They're an eclectic group. Some sound like early 60's rock and roll. Some sound like mid 60's folk. Some sound like 70's blues rock, and some sound like milennium prog-house-alternascreamo with jazz undertones. I hope that you'll like all of them.

Q: Where can I buy your album?
A: Everywhere. You can go to CDBaby or ITunes or Napster or anywhere else that sells music online. I think Amazon has a few copies. You can come to a show and buy one there. Or, send me your address and I'll personally deliver a record to your front door. Is it cool if I stay a while?

Q: What's your favorite song that you've written?
A: That would be like choosing a favorite child. As the father of over three hundred children scattered across the South, I know how hard it is to choose favorites. Not because it's unfair (I have always staunchly advocated inequity) but because there are so many. I've also written several hundred songs and each one holds a special place in my heart. Unlike my children, they are not scattered across the South. They're in my head, or in a shoebox underneath my dresser. They're also part of the public forum--on Myspace, YouTube, other people's computers and IPods. Wow, actually...maybe they are scattered across the South. And what I'm trying to say is that my favorite song has always been the theme song to "Bumper Boats" that I co-wrote with my friend Alan in 4th grade.

Q: Who was your favorite Gladiator?
A: Laser and Nitro were America's favorites. I preferred Turbo. Nary a Breakthrough and Conquer match concluded without Turbo getting ejected. He was the key transitional figure from the "Maybe These Guys Are On Something" era to the "These Guys Are Definitely On Something" era. He was six thousand pounds of deltoids and roid rage. I have to stop now.

Q: What's the difference between Milam's Mailbag and Milam's FAQ's?
A: Wiseacre.

Told y'all...I don't have all the answers.

Living in a glass house,


Michael said...

For some reason this reminded me of the time we practiced Incubus and STP covers for a show at the new daisy that never happened.

But it happened in my head. And we brought the house down.

elizabeth said...

I have somewhere around fifteen thousand Myspace friends to date, and I keep up regularly with all of them.

regularly, my foot. heartbreaker.

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