Ah, December. A time of cheer. A time of togetherness. A time to enjoy some Hanson, sans irony. It's a time for all of these things, and none of these things, because it's a season unto itself. It is what you make it.
In the spirit of self-discovery, I've decided to branch out with the Fan of the Month. December's FOM comes from an unlikely place (have you heard of Mentone?). He has oddly specific biases toward sports broadcasters (and wants to fight one). He is a Renaissance man, a man who can steer a golf cart through an Alabama snowstorm; a gifted mixologist, yet a bologna enthusiast; a man who a man who knows (maybe) what figgy pudding is. He is all of the things--and perhaps none of the things--that a typical FOM might be. And that's why we love him.
I'm proud to present December's Fan of the Month...Luke, in Nashville!
(As always, if you'd like to be a future Fan of the Month, just drop me a line.)
Now, let's learn a little more about Luke with the Infamous FOM Questionnaire!
Name (feel free to use a fake name)?
Lucas O'Neill Durham, ESQ.
26 & 1/3
Today, Nashville. The rest of the time, the bustling metropolis of Mentone, AL.
Something the average interweb browser wouldn't know about me is…?
I'm the world's greatest golf cart driver.
The music scene in (where you live) is…?
In Nashville: A little tiresome. I feel like there's a lot of the same kinds of stuff around here. I was into the scene for a while, but SOMEONE moved to NYC. I'm not bitter.
(Editor's Note: We're talking about Erin Andrews, right?)
In Mentone: Banjos. Lots of banjos.
(Editor's Note: And jugbands? Tell me there are jugbands!)
Whatcha do for a living?
Ride around in a golf cart and tell kids what to do at a summer camp called Camp Laney.
When was the last time you ate at Burger King?
About 3 years ago, before they started with the new ad campaign with the King in it. Dude freaks me out.
You have one meal left in life but it has to be fast food. You can pick and choose different items from different joints. Name that meal!
#1 from Chic-fil-a: Original Chick Sangwich. Arby's curly fries. Cheesy Gordita Crunch from TB. Jamocha Shake from Arby's. And to drink, a suicide from Jack in the Box. I got fatter typing that.
(Editor's Note: Amazing--this is the first FOM to actually pick items from different franchises. Throw in a Sonic Reese's Blast made by Megan at the Sonic in Franklin, TN, and you've basically got my last meal. Well constructed, sir.)
What music publications/blogs/sites do you read? Any of them good?
I've got a subscription to SPIN b/c I couldn't say no to the scary man that came to my door. Otherwise, you're my only real insight into the music world.
What's on your Christmas list?
A White Christmas. I'm starting to think it's a myth. Also, as much as I drive, a GPS.
Pick your dream concert. Any three (living) artists, anywhere, any venue, any month, any time of day. What is it? What's it called?
Artists: Outkast opens, MMJ keeps it going, and Pearl Jam takes it home
Venue: Red Rocks
Month: Late September
Title: Melting Face
(Editor's Note: Anything that includes the phrase, "Outkast opens" is 1) something I need to be a part of and 2) something that might make my head explode.)
You can pick one album as your morning alarm for a year. The songs and their “wake-up” segments will shuffle randomly, but you are stuck with this album for a full year. What is it?
The Best of Van Morrison b/c it reminds me of back porches, meats on the grill, and simpler times.
If you could fight any public figure, who would it be and why?
First person that popped into my head is Michael Moore. But Ron Jaworski is climbing quickly.
Who wins in a fight: Michael Moore or Ron Jaworski? How does it play out?
Michael Moore unexpectedly comes up to Jaws' house and starts yelling about how MNF is un-American and treads on the little people. The verbal berating continues until Jaws does his patented "duck-waddle-drop-back" and knocks out Moore with one punch. He then uses a telestrater to circle his himself and makes a completely asinine, useless, and loud comment about how the punch unfolded.
(Editor's Note: Or, asks John Gruden to take over the telestrator and caps it off by saying, "Look at this football play in this football game with football players--pow! That's how they do it in the...NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.")
Fill in the blanks!
Five favorite artists from the 60's are…?
The Beatles, Zeppelin, Stevie Wonder, Greatful Dead, & Jimi Hendrix.
Five favorite artists from the 90's are…?
Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, STP, Green Day, & Collective Soul.
Five favorite artists from the 2000's are…?
The Gabe Dixon Band, Pearl Jam, MMJ, Outkast, & Chris Milam, of course.
Some more singer/songwriters I love are… ?
Jeff Buckley, Josh Ritter.
....is my favorite Beatle.
Honestly, I don't know enough about the individual Beatles to give a meaningful answer, so I'll go with Ringo. Great name.
...is my favorite adjective in the English language.
"Bodacious" or "radical." Anything the ninja turtles used, I'm down with.
Favorite wrongly-heard song lyric is...? (e.g. "Excuse me while I kiss this guy...")
Anytime "Stu" is substituted for "you." Or, "Hey, jelly bean!" Gin Blossoms.
(Editor's Note: So, "Look at the stars, look how they shine for...Stu"? And, for the Gin Blossoms, I believe the lyric is from "Hey Jealousy." Rather than "hey, jealousy," it's heard "hey, jelly bean!" Nice.)
What is a...
The horses from the Budweiser commercials. And the name of your next illegitimate child.
A mythical animal, like a phoenix, from the far east.
A technologically savvy blue jay.
An ingredient for figgy pudding.
My new favorite drink, of which I will spend the next night figuring out the ingredients.
Rank these items in order of awesomeness: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, steak, Dave Chappelle, fantasy football, Christmas, the state of Mississippi.
2) Fantasy Football
4) Complete works of Shakespeare
5) Dave Chapelle
6) Mississippi (look another list they're at the bottom of....)
(Editor's Note: Denigrating Chappelle and Mississippi in the same paragraph! I oughtta sick Ron Jaworski on you.)
What is the one movie that most puts you in the holiday spirit?
Christmas Vacation. Certainly nothing girly, like Love Actually.
(Editor's Note: How dare you.)
Give me your Top 3 Christmas movies of all-time.
1. Christmas Vacation
2. A Christmas Story
3. Home Alone
Give me your Top 5 favorite Christmas songs, and your favorite version of each.
1. "Angels We Have Heard On High" - Any version sung in a church.
2. "Sleigh Ride" - The original version (if there are multiple).
3. "Jingle Bell Rock" - The one from Home Alone.
4. "O Holy Night" - Any version sung in a church when everyone is holding candles.
5. "Chipmunk Song" - The only version.
(Editor's Note: According to Wikipedia, the "original" recorded version of "Sleigh Ride" was performed by the Boston Pops in 1949. It was instrumental. Also according to Wikipedia, I have an IQ of 230, the power of flight, and "World's Dreamiest Eyes.")
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being "Chris watches baseball," 10 being "Chris plays in the Superbowl," how excited are you EVER to eat ham? Not pork. HAM.
2. Only because someone could offer me bologna instead.
What is figgy pudding?
My best guess is a bad pet name for a girl. Or something that tastes awful.
(Editor's Note: "Figgy pudding" as a pet name for a girl is one of the best things I've ever heard. Right behind "One Big Holiday" by MMJ, and right ahead of "Alabama is your 2009 SEC Champion.")
Does Coke out of the Santa can taste different?
Yes. It tastes like snuggle-times.
You can move anywhere in America for six months. Money, time, and job situation are no object. Name the place.
Rancho la Quinta, CA. Warm days, cool nights, not the hustle bustle of a big city, and good golf.
You can move anywhere on earth for six months. Same deal. Same place, or do you become an expat?
Italy. Never been, need to go.
Other than football, what's the one thing on your weekly DVR that you cannot miss?
Lie to Me.
You are going out tonight. You are going out to do whatever it is you would like to do for a fun night of festivity and frivolity. This can include anything from vandalizing reindeer lawn decorations to sipping nog to roasting chestnuts to watching a Clippers game. You get to assemble your posse for the night. You can pick ANY FOUR MEN OR ANY FOUR WOMEN on the planet, friends, celebrities, athletes, etc. Who is in your entourage and why?
Tiger Woods, for what are now, very obvious reasons. Just kidding here. Seriously:
1.My bro, because I feel like I'm going to need someone I know and trust to bail me out on a night like this.
2. You, because you'd need to be here for this.
3. The College Gameday Crew, because you know Herbstreet & Fowler are fun as hell to party with. Corso would be hysterical to see out on the town, while also providing someone to laugh at. And Desmond seems cooler than anyone that I've ever met. Plus, great sports conversation.
4. Percy Harvin, because I love him.
(Editor's Note: I think this posse should find Ron Jaworski and pick a fight.)
Who challenges Percy to a race first: Desmond Howard, me, or Lee Corso? And who wins?
Desmond is too laid back and has too much to lose. Corso is probably drunk and wearing the Big Al headgear. So, by default, Chris Milam. You fall down at the starting gun, laughing. Percy still runs a 4.3 and then he and I do our newly created best friend handshake/high five.
(Editor's Note: This is exactly what would happen.)
On a scale of "Chris when he found out Kings of Leon's leadoff single would be titled 'Sex on Fire'" to "Chris when he realized how much he loves Fountains of Wayne, sans irony," how surprised were you to hear about Tiger Woods?
Much closer to you liking Fountains of Wayne. I'd never expect it from Tiger given what I've seen of him and my assumptions of him as a person. But, you never really know what he's like. It is shocking that he could cheat on a woman like Elin. But what's most shocking is that it's over 10 women and not an isolated incident or mistake. He seems more like David Duchovny than Kobe Bryant right now.
Where will music be in 5 years? What will be the next "big thing"? Where would you like to see it go?
I'm not really sure, but I don't see it changing too much. A lot more of the cookie-cutter-popsters that the mainstream media will force feed us. There will still be the occasional talent that rises to the top and indies will continue to get their stuff out there through all the new networking technology. But, overall, it's about the money and the label execs will keep it right down the middle.
Finally, how can I ever thank you for the support?
Saturday, December 18th I'll be at Fiesta Azteca at 4PM. Be there.
Done, and done. I live there.