Friday, November 11, 2005

A Day in the Life, Part II

Picking up from yesterday's post, here's part II of the installment: A Day in Chris Milam's Life. Yesterday we traced my daily progress according to my friends' unfair and stereotypical assumptions about my working habits and routine. Today we'll examine the same day, only this time through the accounts and biases of the people I work with--my colleagues, if you will. This can include bookers for various venues, other artists, etc. Let's hear what they have to say about A Day in Chris Milam's Life:

Shut Eye Records representative:
I don't know what time Chris gets up, but the emails usually start flooding in around 7:30. They start off, "Good morning, how's everything going?" then progressively turn more belligerent, stuff like, "Why aren't I on your front page? Don't you people know who I am?" By lunchtime, we're getting frantic voicemails and faxed subpoenas that he clearly wrote himself. The next morning it starts all over again.

Valet at 12th and Porter:
Chris usually stops in seven or eight times a day. He plays here once or twice a month and comes for other shows at night, but I can't figure out what he's doing the rest of the time. He walks in the door, I see him through the window running around, talking to everyone, shaking the cook's hand and stufff, and then he leaves. And then he comes back a half hour later. I don't know that he has anywhere else to go.

Resident of Apartment 216, directly above Chris's:
We're usually woken up by Chris's vocal calisthenics at 8:30 or 9, and then he usually starts back up at least a few more times in the afternoon and then usually at four or five in the morning. He typically starts off with yodeling, followed by some blues-inspired moaning and groaning. He sings scales, but I've never heard these scales before. I live in fear of Chris's vocal practice.

Barista at 21st Avenue Starbucks:
I only work two days a week, but Chris is always in when I'm there. He usually camps out in the corner with a huge book and pretends to read it while drinking steamed milk.

Another Barista at the same Starbucks:
That's not true. He drinks coffee black. Sometimes he puts a little nutmeg in it.

First Barista:
That's complete crap. I've seen him drinking steamed milk. Whenever someone orders the steamed milk we call it the "Milam Special."

Second Barista: You're Milam-special. The kid's lactose intolerant. He simply doesn't tolerate lactose. He's a pretty progressive person, but when it comes to lactose, he is extremely intolerant. He would never be caught dead drinking steamed milk, least not from you.

First Barista:
Did you steal my copy of Cat's Cradle?

Bouncer at Tin Roof: I see Chris on Demonbreun every night. That guy's everywhere. One time, Chris was making fun of our cover band and someone challenged him to go up and do better. Chris picked up the bass and started playing "Billy Jean." The crowd went nuts. He finished the song with a vicious moonwalk. Then he went offstage and and talked to himself in the corner for a while.

Bartender at Tin Roof:
Dude, that is nothing but an urban legend. Chris simply put a half dollar in the tip jar and requested "Billy Jean," then tripped over the doorframe.

I wear shirts with no sleeves. Don't start.

Librarian, Peabody Library, Vanderbilt:
Chris usually comes in once a day, but very late at night. He nods hello and disappears in the stacks for a while. He comes out after a few hours and his face has sleep marks on it and his hair is messed up. There's no real evidence that he's ever read anything.

Tom, Myspace:
I'm the inventor and operator of Myspace, a musician-friendly online community. I know about Chris because he's single-handedly crashed our entire site at least a dozen times. This is a site that hosts literally millions of users and their profiles, and Chris's activity has threatened to fail our entire operation. We actually started a group called "People Who Want Chris Milam Off Myspace...and the Planet." It has three million members.

Random guitar player:
I was playing out one night and Chris asked me if I wanted to play with him sometime. I liked his music, so I said we'd give it a shot. Then we got together to practice and he had a dress code for me and a whistle that he blew when I did something he didn't like. Nice guy, though.

Employee, Nashville Electrical Service:
Through thorough examination of the electrical bill, and the special analysis that the FBI requested, we've concluded that Chris expends an unusual amount of energy at night. This information seems to suggest that he hasn't slept in over three years. Also, computer activity is high late at night, seeming to suggest he spends way, way too much time writing fictitious accounts in his blog. That kid is living the dream.

There you have it: two completely biased, unalterted accounts of my comings and goings. Of course, both are true and neither are true in a very real sense. I spend my days and nights like most anyone else, only I don't have a traditional job nor a typical social schedule and my friends and colleagues are, at best, unusual people. Other than that I'm just like you, Dear Reader.

Mirror, mirror,

1 comment:

Michael W. said...

I believe a certain Ryan Adams once wrote a song that began "Mirror, Mirror."

we all know you moonlight as a...

well i have nothing clever to say, so like mama always told me...just quit, you'll embarass yourself.

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