Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Bright Lights, Sin City

Sure, the commercials say, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." But, if you've ever been to Las Vegas (and, for the purposes of this post, I'm assuming you haven't), you probably came away an enlightened person. I know I did. After four days of unabashed spectacle and sin, I'm here to tell you that I've seen the proverbial neon light and here is what I've learned:

-If a well-dressed woman is hanging around the Bellagio after midnight, she's probably a hooker.
-If a well-dressed man is hanging around the Bellagio after midnight, he's probably looking for a hooker.
-If a well-dressed kid is hanging around the Bellagio after midnight, he's probably a gypsy. Run.
-No drink, no matter the time, place, company, or circumstance, is ever free. Ever.
-If a man is playing blackjack for the drinks and not the cards, he will inevitably hit on the dealer.
-If said dealer is a woman, she will smile, take his tips, and deal him only fourteens. If said dealer is a man, it will suddenly be time for his break.
-Never trust a man who wears a backpack but isn't travelling.
-Do not ask a Japanese tourist to take your picture. You, seeing his metric ton of personal photography equipment, will trust that he is an expert. He is not. He will take a picture that defies the laws of physics and light. You will look infrared and he will have vanished and you'll have no idea what the hell just happened here.
-If you double down on ten, you will get a two. If you split two aces, you will get two cards that read "YOU" and "LOSE."
-Sports books are emotional powderkegs: tread lightly. You don't want to be around when a Titans fan loses his mortage because Chris Brown fumbled at the goal-line.
-Steak: good. Sandwich: good. Steak sandwich: bad.
-Tip the dealer. Tip the waiter. Tip the taxi driver. But if you're tipping the guy who's helping the guy who's helping the guy who's carry your bags...well, you're just trying to prove something, aren't you?
-Don't drink anything with a color you wouldn't wear on your body.
-If a guy wearing denim shorts and a Styx shirt is at the $100 minimum table, he either deals something illegal or lost a bet.
-You're right: cab drivers are always laughing at us.
-Eating breakfast at dinnertime is a sure sign that 1) you have no idea what time it is, and you've given up trying to find out 2) you're high 3) all of the above. There is no other option.
-It is a bad idea to eat meat with yogurt, no matter how ethnically hip it seems at the time.
-It is sometimes a good idea to walk home. It is always a good idea to drive home. It is never a good idea to ride a stolen bike home.

And finally...if you bet that I would return from Las Vegas looking like an extra from the "Thriller"'re tonight's big winner.

I'd tell you more, but the commercials forbid it, and I obey the television's commands.

Eating several Lays potato chips,

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